Double Empathy Problem: Why Communication is Confusing in Neurodiverse (Autistic-Allistic) Relationships
In mixed-neurotype relationships, communication breakdowns can occur due to differences in brain processing styles. A neurodivergent-affirming therapist explains how the “Double Empathy Problem” shows up: direct vs. indirect language, verbal vs. nonverbal communication, and differences in eye contact.
What’s a neurodiverse / mixed-neurotype relationship?
A neurodiverse relationship consists of people with different neurotypes.
Possible combinations include: autistic and ADHD, autistic and neurotypical, ADHD and neurotypical, autistic-ADHD (AuDHD) and neurotypical, 2e (twice-exceptional) and autistic, and more.
In the blog post, we’ll focus specifically on couples in intimate relationships. That being said, neurodiverse relationships can also include family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and more.
—>> Pssst… need a refresher on key terms? Check out this blog post: 5 Terms to Know if You or Your Partner are Neurodivergent
What’s an autistic-allistic relationship?
It’s a specific type of neurodiverse relationship, consisting of an autistic person and a non-autistic (allistic) person.
An autistic person may have a formal diagnosis of autism, or self-identify as autistic.
An allistic person may be neurotypical or neurodivergent (ADHD, gifted, dyslexic).
What’s the Double Empathy Problem?
The Double Empathy Problem proposes that autistic and allistic individuals experience reciprocal difficulty in understanding each other, due to fundamental differences between neurotypes.
In other words…
Communication can get really confusing between autistic and non-autistic (allistic) folks.
The Double Empathy Problem does not blame either group for the communication breakdown.
In particular, it aims to debunk harmful myths about autism – i.e., that “autistic people just need to learn better social skills”; “autistic people lack empathy,” or “autistic people are bad at communication.”
Rather, the Double Empathy Problem recognizes that we each think, process, communicate, and connect in distinct ways – and some people happen to understand our “language” better than others.
Autistic people tend to communicate more easily with autistic people.
Non-autistic (allistic) people tend to communicate more easily with allistic people.
No one is more “right” or “wrong” than the other. Neither way is better or worse than the other.
The Double Empathy Problem is not due to the individual. The problem is due to the mismatch between neurotypes.
Let’s explore what this can look like in autistic-allistic relationships.
Double Empathy Problem #1:
DIRECT VS. INDIRECT LANGUAGE
Many autistic people prefer direct and literal communication, bypassing small talk.
They tend to express themselves clearly, without subtlety or “beating around the bush” to get to the point. Autistic communication may be perceived as “blunt” or “rude” by allistic individuals.
Meanwhile, allistic individuals tend to use more indirect forms of communication.
They may rely on nonverbal cues, facial expressions, slight changes in tone, sarcasm, coded language, or euphemisms to convey their meaning. This can be confusing for autistic individuals who may struggle to interpret these subtle signals.
Here’s how the same sentiment might be expressed indirectly vs. directly:
INDIRECT: “I’m kind of tired… The couch looks really comfy and it’d be so nice to take a nap right now. Gosh, it’s been such a long day…”
DIRECT: “I need time to be alone. I’m going to head out now.”
INDIRECT: “I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. There’s so much laundry, plus all the dishes in the sink… I don’t even know where to start… Maybe we should split up the tasks?”
DIRECT: “I could really use some help with the laundry today. Could you do a load?”
INDIRECT: “We should get together sometime.”
DIRECT: “I’m free next weekend and would like to hang out. Do you have any plans?”
Double Empathy Problem #2:
VERBAL VS. NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION
Verbal communication is heavily prioritized in neurotypical culture. We’re expected to talk, often at length and in “socially acceptable” ways – while ordering food at a restaurant, checking out at the grocery store, attending the neighborhood block party, and more.
While verbal conversation comes naturally for many allistic people, it can take up a lot of energy for autistic individuals.
Research shows that compared to neurotypical brains, autistic brains have fewer connections in the bridge between the left and right hemispheres. This makes it extra hard for autistic brains to pass information between the two hemispheres.
Therefore, stimuli that get processed in one hemisphere (visual, auditory, sensory, tactile, and somatic information) may not easily make it to the other hemisphere (verbal language).
That’s why autistic people may have intense, vivid, and vibrant internal experiences – but struggle to actually translate that into words.
Autistic brains simply process information differently than neurotypical brains.
And to be clear, it’s not an either-or situation– many autistic people enjoy talking, especially about their special interests. They may simply need a balance between verbal and nonverbal interactions, so as not to exhaust the processing centers in the brain.
Many autistic individuals enjoy parallel play as a way to connect with others.
This involves doing the same or separate activities (drawing, solving a puzzle, stretching, listening to music, dancing, cuddling a pet, painting your nails) – quietly, side-by-side. Parallel play provides companionship and nervous system co-regulation, without the pressure of constant talking.
Double Empathy Problem #3:
DIFFERENCES IN EYE CONTACT
It’s no secret that autistic folks are less prone to direct eye contact, compared to neurotypical folks. As one of the most common stereotypes about autism (often framed in a negative light), the eye contact phenomenon happens to stem from – you guessed it – brain differences.
Autistic brains show more amygdala activation when making eye contact.
The amygdala is the fear center of the brain, responsible for the fight-flight-freeze response.
In other words: autistic people tend to feel more fear in their nervous system when making eye contact.
Breaking or avoiding eye contact is a way that autistic people regulate their nervous systems.
So despite the (Western) social narrative that eye contact is a way to connect, show respect, and demonstrate that you’re listening to someone – for autistic folks, it may be exactly the opposite.
An autistic person may allow their gaze to wander off, or even close their eyes, in order to listen and connect more deeply.
As always, remember that this is a spectrum. Some autistic people make extended eye contact; others don’t. Eye contact may range from undesirable to uncomfortable to physically painful for autistic people. Many high-masking autistic folks are used to holding eye contact, though they may feel tired or anxious during or after the act.
IN SUMMARY…
In neurodiverse (autistic-allistic) relationships, the Double Empathy Problem can sometimes lead to confusion and misunderstandings.
Simply knowing that the Double Empathy Problem exists can soften defensiveness and create the possibility for deeper connection and understanding.
There are 3 main differences between autistic and allistic communication:
Indirect vs. Direct Language
Verbal vs. Nonverbal Communication
Prolonged Eye Contact vs. Minimal Eye Contact
Once you and your partner know that the Double Empathy Problem exists, the next step is to meet each other at your points of difference, and deepen connection in ways that are authentic and meaningful for both of you.
Looking for a neurodiversity-affirming therapist who can help you navigate the unique challenges of a neurodiverse relationship?
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing therapy services in Colorado. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration, and therapy intensives.
RESEARCH
Lo YC, Soong WT, Gau SS, Wu YY, Lai MC, Yeh FC, Chiang WY, Kuo LW, Jaw FS, Tseng WY. The loss of asymmetry and reduced interhemispheric connectivity in adolescents with autism: a study using diffusion spectrum imaging tractography. Psychiatry Res. 2011 Apr 30;192(1):60-6.
Dalton KM, Nacewicz BM, Johnstone T, Schaefer HS, Gernsbacher MA, Goldsmith HH, Alexander AL, Davidson RJ. Gaze fixation and the neural circuitry of face processing in autism. Nat Neurosci. 2005 Apr;8(4):519-26.
