4 Compassionate Ways to Support Your Partner after a Late-in-Life Autism Diagnosis
So one (or both) of you has just discovered that you’re autistic, whether through formal diagnosis or self-identification. What now? An autistic therapist shares how to positively integrate an understanding of autism in your relationship, allowing both partners to experience deeper connection and understanding.
NOTE: While this blog post is specifically written for couples, most of the information is also useful and applicable to friends, family members, and other supportive figures of late-diagnosed autistic individuals.
What is autism?
Autism is a neurotype, or a brain-body system.
According to Embrace Autism (an online source of high-quality information on autism, written by autistic researchers), autism is:
“a neurodevelopmental difference characterized by alterations in social functioning, hypersensitivity to stimuli, repetitive behaviors, and deep interests—often combined with advanced cognitive & perceptive abilities”
Autism can present in many different ways, and no two autistic people are the same (obviously).
Additionally, the autistic neurotype can intersect with social locations such as: gender, race, ethnicity, culture, sexual orientation, age, religion, nationality, disability, and more – which adds more complexity to the autistic experience.
—>> Want to learn more about autism?
Check out this blog post: “Autistic Person” vs “Person with Autism”: What’s the Difference? | A Neurodivergent Therapist’s POV
What is a late-in-life autism diagnosis?
This term refers to adults who discover later in life that they are autistic – whether through a formal diagnosis process, or through self-diagnosis.
Late-in-life autism diagnoses are becoming more prevalent because, as a society, we understand more about autism now and are able to better recognize this neurotype.
As a result of the education circling around (including podcasts, research, videos, and books like Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price), many high-masking autistic adults are finally realizing why they’ve felt different and out of place their whole life.
And due to increased education, stigma is also (slowly) decreasing – meaning, it’s somewhat safer than before to be openly autistic (though certainly not 100% safe, especially for folks with intersecting marginalized identities, such as BIPOC and LGBTQ+ communities).
Does self-diagnosis count too?
Yes, absolutely.
Self-diagnosis, or self-identification, involves recognizing one’s autistic neurotype and embracing an autistic identity, without seeking a formal diagnosis.
This usually occurs after an individual has done some research and self-reflection, putting the puzzle pieces together and seeing themselves in the constellation of autistic traits.
Self-diagnosis has a high rate of accuracy among individuals who later receive a formal diagnosis. And self-diagnosis is often a preference for folks who:
cannot afford the out-of-pocket expenses for a formal diagnosis
do not want to go through insurance to receive a diagnosis, due to the potential impacts of having an autism diagnosis on their medical record
do not feel safe engaging with the mental health system
cannot find an autism assessor whom they feel comfortable working with
To be clear: both formal diagnosis & self-diagnosis are valid options.
Each individual has the right to make their own choices about their autism journey.
Here are 4 compassionate ways to support your partner after a late-in-life autism diagnosis.
#1: Listen to your partner’s experiences with empathy & curiosity.
Remember that your partner is learning about themselves and adjusting to a new understanding of their life experiences and/or identity.
Allow space for their full range of emotions, whether it’s curiosity, confusion, clarity, relief, neutrality, nervousness, or something else – and know that this can change from one moment to the next, because we are multifaceted and complex human beings.
Ask open-ended questions like:
“How is this new understanding impacting you?”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Is there anything I can support you with right now?”
Or simply let them know: “I’m here if you want to chat about anything.”
If they want to share a lot, be an active listener (to the extent that you have capacity — because if you’re not in a space to listen, most autistic folks appreciate direct communication and would benefit from hearing you say: “I’m not in a space to listen right now, but could we come back to this later when I’m more available?”).
If they prefer not to share, that’s okay too, and do respect their boundaries.
Remember, you don’t have to fix anything or have the most brilliant, perfect answers ready to go.
Sometimes, all people need is a listening ear and a felt sense that you care, and that you see and hear them.
#2: Learn about autism from a neurodiversity-affirming lens.
Do your research on autism, if you haven’t already. Make sure that you’re getting your information from autistic people, whether they’re researchers, educators, advocates, writers, mental health workers, or content creators. Lived experience matters, and as the saying goes: “nothing about us without us.”
With autism in particular, there is a slew of information that was created by non-autistic (allistic) people, which perpetuates harmful stereotypes, inaccurate information, and ableist beliefs about this neurotype.
Information created by autistic folks is much more likely to be neurodiversity-affirming.
The neurodiversity-affirming paradigm recognizes autism as a natural variation of human neurology, rather than a deficit.
It’s inherently a compassionate approach to understanding each other.
Here are a few places to start learning about autism:
Embrace Autism | educational resources, autism tests & assessments by autistic researchers Dr. Natalie Engelbrecht and Eva Silvertant
Neurodivergent Insights | mental health and wellness resources created by Dr. Megan Neff, a neurodivergent (Autistic-ADHD) psychologist, parent, and educator.
Divergent Conversations Podcast | conversations and interviews with neurodivergent folks, by neurodivergent therapists Dr. Megan Neff and Patrick Casale
Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity | a book by Devon Price, PhD, which explores the spectrum of Autistic experience and the phenomenon of masked Autism, giving individuals the tools to safely uncover their true selves while broadening society’s narrow understanding of neurodiversity
#3: Unpack any stigmas about autism that you may have absorbed from mainstream media.
Despite our best intentions, we’ve all been exposed to the biases of mainstream media and the Western medical system. Both tend to portray autism as a deficit or disorder that needs to be “fixed.” This is evident in the very term: “Autism Spectrum Disorder.”
Autism is associated with a number of unhelpful and negative stereotypes — which fail to capture the complexity, diversity, and depth of the autistic experience. Have you heard of any of these?
“Autistic individuals lack empathy & are incapable of recognizing feelings”
“Autistic people have obsessive & meaningless interests”
“Autistic individuals are violent & volatile”
“Autistic individuals are incapable of forming deep & meaningful relationships”
“Autism is caused by vaccines”
From a neurodiversity-affirming perspective, autism is a neurotype – a brain-body system, which is neutral by nature.
Like any other neurotype, it comes with strengths and challenges. The autism neurotype just happens to be pathologized within a neurotypical society.
For autistic and non-autistic folks alike: it’s important to explore what biases live in our minds, and to consciously de-construct them and replace them with a more nuanced and affirming understanding of the autistic experience.
#4: Work with a neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist, to help both of you integrate an understanding of autism into your relationship.
After an autism diagnosis, the dynamics of your relationship may shift. If one partner is autistic and the other is allistic (non-autistic), you may now have a clearer understanding of why your communication styles, processing styles, sensory experiences, support needs, and energy patterns differ.
This newfound awareness can provide more context around past misunderstandings and ways you may have unintentionally “missed” each other in the past.
To support you through these changes, consider working with a couples therapist who specializes in neurodiverse relationships.
A skilled therapist, especially one who’s neurodivergent and/or autistic, can provide a supportive space for you to explore your individual experiences, address concerns, and learn effective communication strategies that work for each of your neurotypes.
In summary, here are 4 ways to support your autistic partner, post-diagnosis:
#1: Listen to your partner’s experiences with empathy & curiosity.
#2: Learn about autism from a neurodiversity-affirming lens.
#3: Unpack any stigmas about autism that you may have absorbed from mainstream media.
#4: Work with a neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist, to help both of you integrate an understanding of autism into your relationship.
Looking for a neurodiversity-affirming, autistic therapist who can help you navigate the unique challenges of a neurodiverse relationship?
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing therapy services in Colorado. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, Brainspotting, psychedelic integration, and trauma therapy intensives for individuals and couples.
