What is Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Like?

Maybe you’ve tried couples counseling before, but realized that you need a specialized space to explore how neurodiversity (autism, ADHD, high sensitivity) impacts relationship dynamics. Learn how neurodiverse couples counseling can support you and your partner, and what a typical session looks like.

What’s a neurodiverse couple?

In a neurodiverse couple, at least one partner identifies as neurodivergent, such as: Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, Highly Sensitive Person, Gifted, 2e, and more.

This can include formal diagnosis or self-diagnosis. 

What makes a couple neurodiverse is the difference in neurotypes. For example:

• Partner A is highly sensitive, while Partner B is an ADHDer

• Partner A is neurotypical, while Partner B is autistic

• Partner A is autistic, while Partner B is an AuDHDer (autistic + ADHD)

Neurodiverse couples are also referred to as mixed-neurotype couples.

→ Psst… need a refresher on neurodiversity vocabulary? Check out this blog post: 5 Terms to Know if You or Your Partner are Neurodivergent

How do we know if we’re a neurodiverse couple?

Here are some common signs of neurodiverse relationships.

DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES

One partner prefers direct and straightforward communication, while the other relies on more subtle cues.

One partner interprets language literally, while the other uses metaphors and figurative language.

DIFFERENT SENSORY EXPERIENCES

One partner is more sensitive to sounds, lights, or textures.

Or both partners have significant sensitivities to sounds, lights, textures, and other stimuli — which impact their ability to be comfortable and intimate with each other.

DIFFERENT SOCIAL & EMOTIONAL NEEDS

One partner thrives in social situations, while the other prefers alone time — which impacts their schedule as a couple and the amount of quality time they spend together.

One partner expresses emotions openly, while the other is more reserved or uses less “feelings” language.

DIFFERENT PROCESSING STYLES

One partner is highly analytical, while the other is more creative and intuitive.

One partner proccesses information quickly, while the other needs more time to understand what’s happening and formulate a response.

Please note: these are just a few examples of what neurodiverse relationships can look like. Each couple is unique, and there may be nuances and details that aren’t captured by the examples above.

Additionally, maybe you relate to the above examples, but neither you nor your partner identify as neurodivergent — or you’re not sure what your neurotype is. That’s perfectly okay!

Even if you don’t ascribe to specific labels, you and your partner might be struggling with communication styles and nervous systems that seem vastly different — and support is available for you.

If you’re curious about how neurodiversity might be impacting your relationship, couples therapy can be a valuable space to explore these questions and develop compassionate ways to navigate them together.

What’s the difference between (regular) couples counselings & neurodiverse couples counseling?

Couples therapy (designed by neurotypical people, for neurotypical people) focuses on general relationship dynamics, such as communication patterns, conflict resolution, and intimacy. While it can be helpful for many couples, it does not always address the specific needs of neurodiverse couples. 

Neurodiverse couples therapy, on the other hand, is specifically designed to support couples where one or both partners identify as neurodivergent. It recognizes the nuanced ways that neurodiversity can impact relationship dynamics, processing styles, sensory experiences, and communication patterns.

And most importantly, neurodiverse couples therapy does not pathologize individuals or blame relationship issues on neurodivergence.

Instead, it affirms the gifts of each neurotype and helps partners understand why their brains work the way they do – all while acknowledging the potential challenges and offering creative ways to work through those challenges. 

What can neurodiverse couples therapy help with?

A neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist will work with you and your partner to create a therapy plan that aligns with your needs and goals. Here are some examples of the work you might do together:

• gain a comprehensive understanding of neurodiversity (including autism, ADHD, and high sensitivity), and how it shows up in your relationship 

• support each partner in exploring their neurodivergence, including questions like: Am I autistic? Do I have ADHD? Knowing that I’m autistic/ADHD/highly sensitive, how can I best support myself? What type of support do I need from my partner, friends, family, and community?

• learn how your nervous systems react to stress and conflict, and explore ways to self-soothe and stay connected to yourself and each other 

• learn how to express your needs, listen actively, and resolve conflicts in a way that works for both partners’ processing styles

• understand and address sensory sensitivities

• address any challenges related to intimacy, and explore ways to enhance connection and pleasure

• develop strategies to navigate common neurodivergent challenges, including: meltdowns, shutdowns, rejection sensitivity, demand avoidance, and internalized ableism (which can manifest as: self-judgment, shame, and thoughts like, I should be able to do this, Why am I so lazy?, I’m such a failure)

What does a neurodiverse couples therapy session look like? 

A neurodiverse couples therapy session typically begins with a check-in to assess everyone’s emotional state and needs for the session. 

Next, the therapist and couple collaboratively set intentions for the session, deciding on specific topics or goals to focus on. 

Once the focus is established, the therapist guides the couple to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to the chosen topic. The therapist actively listens and facilitates communication, ensuring that both partners feel seen and heard by each other.

Throughout the session, the therapist may pause to clarify any misunderstandings, summarize what’s happening in the conversation, and invite each partner to check in with their nervous system and tend to any sensory needs.

In the last few minutes, the therapist reviews key themes and reflections that emerged during the session. The couple discusses their takeaways and intentions between now and next session, such as specific communication strategies or self-soothing practices to implement at home.

The couple and therapist will work together on a weekly or biweekly basis, until the couple feels they have achieved their goals of improved communication, intimacy, and understanding.

Looking for a neurodivergent therapist who can help you navigate the unique challenges of a neurodiverse relationship?

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Therapy services are available virtually, for adults & couples located in Colorado. 

About the Author

Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing therapy services in Colorado. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration, and trauma therapy intensives for individuals and couples.