5 Terms to Know if You or Your Partner are Neurodivergent
Wondering how neurodiversity (autism, ADHD, high sensitivity) might be impacting your relationship? It’s a question more and more couples are exploring these days. This post unpacks key terms to help you navigate neurodiversity with compassion & understanding.
Neurodiversity refers to the natural variations in human brains.
It recognizes that some people think, learn, feel, process, and interact with the world in ways that differ from what’s considered “typical.” The neurodiversity paradigm aims to embrace differences and create a more inclusive society.
The thing is, most of us never receive any formal education about neurodiversity. We learn about the world through a lens that often assumes a single way of thinking and being.
This lack of awareness can lead to a lot of confusion and frustration, both for individuals who are neurodivergent and for the people who love and support them. On top of that, there are many limiting stereotypes and assumptions out there about what it means to be neurodivergent.
Here’s the good news: it’s never too late to start learning. In this blog post, we’ll explore 5 key terms that can help you navigate conversations about neurodiversity with your partner.
Neurotype
Each person has a specific neurological makeup, or neurotype. This includes, but is not limited to: ADHD, autism, high sensitivity, dyslexia, 2e (twice-exceptional), neurotypical.
We can also think of neurotype as a brain style or a type of mind-body system.
Neurotype can significantly impact the way you communicate, process information, express emotions, experience your senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, taste), connect with others, and relate to the world. Each neurotype has its own set of strengths and challenges.
Therapy that is neurodiversity-affirming aims to support individuals of all neurotypes.
Neurodivergent vs. Neurotypical
These are the umbrella terms, existing on a spectrum. Neurodivergent refers to brains that work in ways that differ from the “typical” standards. Neurotypical refers to those whose brains operate in a more “typical” way.
These labels are meant to help you understand yourself better. Ultimately, you can decide what labels, if any, resonate with your experience. There is no one way to be neurodivergent or neurotypical, and many people exhibit traits across the spectrum of neurodiversity.
Research suggests that 15%-20% of the global population is neurodivergent – with the possibility of the true number being higher or lower, as our collective understanding of neurodiversity evolves.
The specific ways neurodiversity manifests vary greatly across individuals, communities, and cultures. Remember: if you’ve met one neurodivergent person, you’ve met ONE neurodivergent person.
When we talk about neurodivergence, we’re discussing common themes and patterns across different brain styles. This is distinct from stereotypes and assumptions, which paint all members of a group with the same brush.
AN IMPORTANT NOTE ON LANGUAGE
Historically, Western society has used terms like “low functioning” and “high functioning” to describe people, including neurodivergent individuals.
It’s important to know that these labels are considered ableist and insensitive. Why?
“High/low functioning” terms focus on how well someone seems to fit into a perceived “normal” way of being.
These terms judge people’s overall worth based on their ability/willingness to conform to capitalistic standards of productivity.
These terms can downplay the challenges faced by people with high support needs, while dismissing the hidden struggles of those who appear to “function” well, but may require significant internal effort.
Instead of “high/low functioning,” we can use terms that focus on support needs. “High support needs” and “low support needs” are more objective and acknowledge that everyone needs some level of support in life.
Masking vs. Unmasking
For many neurodivergent people, navigating a world that often prioritizes “typical” behavior can feel like wearing a mask. Masking refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to suppress natural tendencies and behaviors in order to fit in with social expectations.
There are many reasons why someone might mask, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Sometimes it’s a survival tactic — a way to avoid judgment, bullying, social exclusion, or workplace discrimination. Masking can also be a desire to fit in, to connect with others, or to succeed in academic or professional settings.
Masking can manifest in various ways. Someone might force small talk and eye contact, even if it doesn’t feel good for them. They might downplay their sensory sensitivities in overwhelming environments – because they’re not sure if their requests (to turn down the music, dim the lights, have more personal space) will be taken seriously.
While masking serves the purpose of increasing safety and avoiding social stigma (particularly for people with marginalized identities, including BIPOC and LGBTQ individuals), it can come at a significant mental and physical cost. Constantly suppressing one’s true self can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation.
Unmasking, on the other hand, is the process of expressing your authentic self.
It can look like:
speaking your truth, clearly and directly
expressing the thoughts and feelings that you’d usually bottle up inside
communicating and expressing yourself in your preferred language – sounds, art, movement, music
declining requests and social obligations that drain your energy
requesting the accommodations you need at work (a more flexible schedule, option to work from home, calmer lighting instead of fluorescents in the office, option to wear noise-canceling headphones), instead of struggling in silence
allowing yourself to stim freely (rocking back and forth, humming, or engaging in repetitive sounds and movements to regulate your nervous system and express yourself)
sharing your interests and passions openly (even if they fall outside the mainstream)
When done in a safe and supportive environment (such as in therapy, in trusted relationships, or in community spaces), unmasking can be incredibly liberating.
It doesn’t have to happen all at once or all the time – because there may still be situations where masking feels safer than unmasking (such as around authority figures or in certain public spaces).
The goal is not to be 100% masked or unmasked. The goal is to feel connected to yourself, and to navigate the world with a sense of choice and autonomy.
WHAT’S NEXT?
By learning about neurodiversity, you can access a whole new level of understanding and connection in yourself and in your relationships. You may find that the neurodiversity community (online and in person) becomes one of the strongest sources of support and belonging for you in a largely neurotypical world.
Here are additional resources to support your learning journey:
BOOK: Unmasking Autism, written by autistic social psychologist, blogger, and author Devon Price. A deep dive into the spectrum of Autistic experience and the phenomenon of masked Autism, giving individuals the tools to safely uncover their true selves while broadening society’s narrow understanding of neurodiversity.
PODCAST: Divergent Conversations, hosted by Patrick Casale and Dr. Megan Anna Neff, two AuDHD mental health professionals and entrepreneurs. Also features interviews with experts and individuals with a wide range of neurodivergent experiences.
If you’re looking for a therapist who specializes in supporting neurodivergent adults & couples, let’s connect.
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing virtual therapy services in Colorado. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration, and therapy intensives.
