For Late-Diagnosed Autistic Adults: 3 Affirming Reminders on Your Unmasking Journey
You are not broken. Your goal doesn’t have to be to fully unmask all the time, if you don’t feel safe or ready to do so. And you don’t have to magically “know” yourself post-diagnosis/discovery of your autism.
If you’re a late-diagnosed autistic adult who’s just getting to know your unmasked self, here are 3 reminders — from an autistic therapist — to support you on your journey.
(1) Autism is not bad (despite what mainstream society says), and you are not broken.
Autism is highly misunderstood and pathologized in mainstream mental health. Let’s talk about what gets missed.
The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, widely used in Western healthcare) describes autism as “Autism Spectrum Disorder,” involving traits like:
“Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions”
“Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction”
“Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers”
“Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements”
“Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal/nonverbal behavior”
“Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus”
“Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment”
The above description is what it sounds like when autism is described from a neurotypical lens.
It’s as if a non-autistic (allistic) person is looking at an autistic person, and saying, “Well, they’re not conforming to our social standards. That’s so strange. They must be ill!”
But why? Why do some people in positions of power – i.e., the mental health practitioners who created the DSM, many of whom were white, cis-het men – get to decide what counts as a “deficit” or “disorder”?
Here’s a neurodiversity-affirming reframe on autism.
Autism is a neurotype – a mind-body system, a way of being, a natural + valuable expression of neurodiversity.
Many traits that get pathologized as “autistic deficits” are simply neutral traits that make someone different, less neurotypical, and less able to conform to capitalistic standards of productivity.
But that doesn’t mean that autism itself is bad.
“Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal/nonverbal behavior” → preference for routines & familiarity
“Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships” → different approaches to social situations & relationships, compared to neurotypical standards
“Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements” → tendency to stim (repetitive movements that soothe the nervous system and release excess energy from the body)
“Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus” → special interests (which bring joy and pleasure to autistic people’s lives)
How do the above reframes feel for you?
Bottom line: The “symptoms” of “Autism Spectrum Disorder” that many neurotypical folks are quick to pathologize, are simply signs of:
a differently wired brain (i.e., autistic brains experience less neural pruning compared to neurotypical brains; and autistic brains may be hyper-connected in some areas and hypo-connected in others)
monotropic processing style (focusing deeply on a few things at a time)
a nervous system with specific needs and sensitivities
None of this needs to be pathologized.
If we were to imagine a world that values people beyond their productivity levels, we’d see that natural expressions of neurodiversity are not a disorder.
However, that’s not to diminish the very real challenges that autistic people face.
Autism can simultaneously be a valuable expression of neurodiversity for which we do not seek a cure, and a disabling condition in an ableist world.
The problem is not in the individual, though. The problem is in our systems, structures, and ableist social messaging that shame people for being different.
Many of the challenges that autistic people face today could be addressed through adequate support, such as:
neurodiversity-affirming care
community
sensory-friendly spaces
consistent access to basic needs (that isn’t tied to employment in a capitalistic system)
In a world that’s friendly toward difference and supportive of all types of brains and bodies, autistic people might actually have the opportunity to thrive.
Instead of a “cure” for autism, what we need is a world that is more accepting and curious about difference.
(2) Your goal doesn’t have to be to unmask all the time.
There are very real reasons why, as neurodivergent people, we mask in some contexts and unmask in others.
It has everything to do with safety. We’re more likely to explore unmasking if we feel safe enough.
Unfortunately, not every situation is safe.
A world that’s safe for every person is a world where ableism, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classicism, and all other forms of oppression cease to exist. We don’t live in that world.
Our nervous systems remember all the times that we’ve been judged, rejected, or punished for being ourselves. Of course it can be hard to let the mask drop, when the mask has been a necessary protection in so many cases.
At the same time, we know that masking takes a huge toll on our nervous systems – contributing to autistic burnout, overwhelm, low self-esteem, and disconnection from self.
And so, even if it’s not a realistic goal to be 100% unmasked all the time in our ableist world, we can start with these intentions:
to have safe spaces to recover from periods of masking
to spend more time in spaces and relationships where it feels safe to unmask
(3) You don’t have to magically “know” yourself post-diagnosis/discovery of your autism.
It’s okay to take your time unmasking and exploring your neurodivergence.
For many late-diagnosed Autists (another term for autistic folks), it’s common to:
feel grief for the years spent masking
re-evaluate their relationships and identities through a new lens
start to build a life that is less attached to “normal” and more aligned with their authentic values
It’s not always a linear or comfortable process, but it’s so worth it. Connecting with your authentic, unmasked self can feel like coming back home.
If you need support, you might:
connect with other neurodivergent people to find community and shared experiences
work with a neurodivergent therapist or coach to help you unmask and connect with yourself
In summary, here are 3 affirming reminders for you:
(1) You are not broken.
(2) Your goal doesn’t have to be to unmask all the time.
(3) You don’t have to magically “know” yourself post-diagnosis/discovery of your autism.
Looking for an autistic therapist who specializes in supporting late-discovered autistic adults?
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing therapy services in Colorado & coaching services worldwide. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, Brainspotting, psychedelic integration, and trauma therapy intensives for individuals and couples.
Autism Research
https://embrace-autism.com/autistic-brain-differences-connectivity/
