Common Challenges of Neurodiverse Couples (+ Tips to Improve Communication and Intimacy)
Is miscommunication causing tension in your relationship? Do you get into arguments over thermostat settings, noise levels, and lighting in the house? Learn how the “double empathy problem” and differing sensory needs impact neurodiverse relationships (autistic/allistic, neurodivergent/neurotypical). A neurodiversity-affirming couples therapist offers 4 tips.
What’s a neurodiverse couple?
In a neurodiverse relationship, at least one partner identifies as neurodivergent, such as: Autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, Highly Sensitive Person, 2e (twice-exceptional), and more.
This can include formal diagnosis or self-diagnosis. Both are valid options.
You might also hear the terms “autistic” and “allistic.” Here’s a quick overview:
Autism is a neurotype – a mind-body system, a way of experiencing the world that’s different from the “typical” standard. Like any other neurotype, autism involves unique strengths and challenges. Autistic people may process information differently, leading to diverse communication styles, sensory sensitivities, and approaches to social interaction.
An individual might describe themselves as “autistic,” “Autistic,” or a “person with autism.” Individual preferences vary, and each person’s preference for self-identification should be respected.
Allistic refers to someone who is not autistic and is considered neurotypical.
Remember: how you choose to identify, if at all, is entirely up to you.
Even if you haven’t found a specific label that resonates, you and your partner might find yourselves struggling with communication styles, sensory sensitivities, or mind-body states that seem vastly different.
(Pssst… need a refresher on key terms? Hop over to this blog post: 5 Terms to Know if You or Your Partner are Neurodivergent.)
If you’re in a neurodiverse relationship, these are 2 challenges that you and your partner may be navigating – and here’s what to do about them.
#1: Double Empathy Problem → Communication Challenges
The “double empathy problem” proposes that autistic and neurotypical individuals experience reciprocal difficulty in understanding each other.
Autistic and neurotypical people have fundamentally different ways of experiencing and interpreting the world. This can make it challenging for each group to understand the other’s social cues, emotional expressions, and communication styles.
According to the “double empathy problem,” communication difficulties are not due to the deficits of either autistic or allistic people, but due to the differences in neurotype.
It’s an affirming + non-pathologizing perspective.
Imagine trying to have a conversation with someone who speaks a completely different language. There’s a barrier to understanding each other, but it’s not because either person is bad at communicating – it’s because you haven’t found a common ground for communication yet.
TIP #1 FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
Observe your partner’s communication style. Pay attention to how your partner receives information. Do they prefer visuals or written lists? Do they need time to process information before responding? Do they need to move their body and stim to stay engaged in conversation? What are non-verbal cues (facial expression, body language, tone of voice) that might let you know how they’re feeling inside?
Recognize your own communication style, and find ways to meet each other in the middle. For instance, if you enjoy chatting about errands while driving, but your partner prioritizes focusing on the road, agree on a separate time to discuss your to-do list. This ensures you both feel heard and get what you need.
Practice active listening. Truly listen to your partner, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Give them your full attention, avoid interrupting, and ask clarifying questions to ensure you’re on the same page.
Here are examples of clarifying questions:
Specifics: “You mentioned feeling overwhelmed. Can you tell me more about what’s making you feel that way?”
Confirmation: “If I understand correctly, you’re concerned about the deadline for our wedding planning. Is that right?”
Definitions: “What do you mean by ‘support’ in this situation?”
Options: “Are there any specific ways I can help you with this project?”
Type of Support: “Are you looking for advice on this situation, or just someone to listen?”
#2: Different Sensory Needs → Challenges with Intimacy + Connection
Sensory processing differences are a common feature of neurodiversity – that is, how your nervous system experiences, processes, and senses the world.
Partners may have varying tolerances for tactile input, auditory stimuli, and environmental factors like temperature and lighting. All this can significantly impact intimacy in romantic relationships.
TOUCH: A partner with heightened tactile sensitivity might find a partner’s desire for cuddling to be overstimulating.
TEMPERATURE: One partner might prefer a cool bedroom environment for sleep, while the other gets cold easily and needs warmth. This can lead to arguments over thermostat settings – and a frustrating Goldilocks quest for the “just right” option.
LIGHTING: One partner might crave a cozy, quiet space with dimmed lights,while the other prefers things bright and with some background noise.
SOUND: A partner with misophonia (intolerance to specific sounds) might find a partner’s chewing sounds at dinner so distracting that it becomes a barrier to connection.
When sensory input exceeds an individual’s tolerance, it can lead to a state of overload. This can manifest as anxiety, frustration, or withdrawal, effectively shutting down the relaxation response needed for intimacy.
TIP #2 FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
Get to know your sensory profiles: the unique preferences, tendencies, and aversions of your nervous systems. Learn about each other’s sensory needs, and collaboratively find ways to meet them.
Identify your sensory triggers — specific sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures, or movements that you find overwhelming or unpleasant. Maybe it’s the scratchy tag on a shirt, harsh fluorescent lights, or the clinking of silverware.
Equally as important, identify your sensory JOYS. What do you find pleasant, soothing, or delightful? Maybe it’s the sensation of a weighted blanket on your body, the sounds of rain, or the smell of lavender essential oil.
If nothing comes to mind as a sensory joy, start by noticing a sensory-NEUTRAL experience — perhaps a blank wall in your room, or the predictable routine of having a cup of tea every morning.
Once you have an idea of your individual sensory needs, you can communicate them to your partner. With some openness and curiosity, you can find ways to create a sensory-welcoming space for intimacy and other activities together.
TIP #3 FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
Learn to regulate your nervous systems. Have you heard of the “window of tolerance”? This refers to the range of sensory input you can handle before feeling overwhelmed or shut down.
Pay close attention to your body’s signals, so that you can learn to recognize the early signs of sensory overload (ex: tension in your jaw, sweaty palms, racing heartbeat).
If you leave your window of tolerance (which is a natural part of being human), learn which strategies work best for regulating your nervous system. Each person’s self-regulation toolbox will look different, and may include:
taking short breaks in a quiet space
moving your body
listening to calming music
taking deep breaths
using fidget toys
other types of stimming
Want to practice regulating your nervous system? Check out this delightful practice: Grounding Tree Meditation.
TIP #4 FOR NEURODIVERSE COUPLES
If it feels like you and your partner are constantly speaking different languages — leading to communication breakdowns and nervous system dysregulation — consider investing in couples therapy.
Work with a neurodiversity-affirming therapist, who can help you build a shared vocabulary around neurodivergence – with a focus on strengths, not deficits. You’ll explore each other’s communication styles, learn to speak each other’s language, and discover new ways to connect as a couple.
Through couples therapy, you and your partner can spend less time feeling frustrated, and more time actually enjoying and being present with each other.
Looking for a neurodiversity-affirming therapist who can help you navigate the unique challenges of a neurodiverse relationship?
Take the first step toward building deeper trust, connection, and intimacy as a couple.
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About the Author
Liz Zhou is holistic trauma therapist providing virtual therapy services in Colorado. She helps highly sensitive, neurodivergent adults and couples heal from the past and connect with their authentic selves. Liz’s specialties include EMDR, IFS, psychedelic integration, and therapy intensives.
